Sunday, January 27, 2013
Trying A New Thing
So ... blogging just wouldn't be 'me' if I didn't have multiple ones going on at one time! For those of you who just happen to read my stuff(and I'm beyond honored that you do) you know that I am an advocate for helping people overcome anxiety and depression through the Truth of Jesus Christ and discovering identity through Him as well which explains my www.poynterjourney.wordpress.com site. Wordpress helps me reach a network of LOTS of people who blog through Wordpress as well. Then there is www.healedwholenew.com, the official ministry website that I lead everyone to that's more "official" but pretty much has the same info as my Wordpress. Outside of stomping anxiety and depression back to hell, I have a life that I live with a pretty awesome family and some pretty awesome friends. My day to day delights and struggles with them keep me grounded. With that said, I wanted to have a space to just write about my 'norm'. Even if folks don't care to read it I can always look back and review it as a journal type thing at the least.
So here's my first go at it.
Life lately-
I'm sitting here 19 weeks, 4 days pregnant. We find out the gender of our baby in 4 days. This is a very exciting and challenging season but our family moves by faith with each step that we take.
19 weeks, 4 days pregnant: This second pregnancy is breath taking. Not that my first one wasn't great but it was the first. Nothing replaces your first anything, really, even if it's not great. This pregnancy is very similar to my pregnancy with Trinity. I stopped feeling nauseous at 10 weeks (with Trin it was 12 weeks) and my nausea never really wiped me out completely. It made me feel yuck and I was tired but it never really completely stopped me. I'm zooming right through the second trimester and I feel fantastic just as I did with Trinity. I'm all social-butterfly like right now! I know that seems to cease as you travel through the third trimester but I'm loving it right now.
Gender of our baby: This Thursday at 9:20am we find out the gender of our new addition. I am so stoked. With Trinity, we found out and immediately told the world. With this one we are taking Trinity with us since this will be something she'll remember forever and then that evening we are doing a gender reveal party with all the family. Saturday we are having a gender reveal party with our closest friends. The news will go public Saturday evening. We'll see how this goes. It will be challenging for me. I'm great with other people's secrets but have a rough time with my own! haha!
Exciting and Challenging Season: You know, everyone has a little bit of this mixed into their days. We have seen God work miracles on our behalf over and over again and yet as soon as a challenge steps in front of us we seem to retreat or feel defeated. The reality of baby #2's daycare and a kindergartener (Trin will start Kindergarten in August this year)who will need before school and after school care starts to get pretty darn expensive. We know it will work out but this is the planner in me wanting to prepare and make sure everything is perfect and in its place. Trusting God on the right moves. I'm excited to update you when those moves happen.
I guess that's all I've got in words for now. Check out the pictures below for a few fun things captured with my phone this past weekend and these past weeks.
Until next time - chao!
This is me at 18 and 19 weeks. Excuse the bathroom photos but it seems to be the best place I can get a full body shot these days.
The Newks "Q" and potato soup are so amazing to me right now! Just talking about it makes me want one. Newks is a restaurant in town that has this awesome chicken and white barbeque sandwich! *drool* It has been one of my major pregnancy cravings so far.
Tony and I spent our Saturday evening giving Trinity a "room makeover" while she was at her grandparent's house. I was too embarrassed to take a "before" picture with all of her mismatched furniture and random items hanging around so you're only getting the "after". I know, not much to compare to but trust me when I say the "before" was "TORRIBLE" as Trin would say (a mix between terrible and horrible). I'm so proud of my husband and myself for our hard work and dedication. There were a few times we wanted to throw that dresser out the window. The new items are: the dresser, the storage cube thingy, the curtain, and the lamp. Check out that awesome picture of a building my kiddo drew - she's amazing!
Friday, April 6, 2012
Saturday, July 9, 2011
For When I Am Weak, Then I Am Strong
1 Peter 5:8-11
New International Version 1984 (NIV1984)
8 Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11 To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.
Wow! God is AMAZING. It's hard for me to put into words what He has done for me but I will try.
After dealing with paralyzing anxiety for 4 months and being hit with an aftershock of mild depression - life has definitely changed.
I started my new job on June 21st and it is so great. It's definitely a blessing with God's hand prints all over it. Trinity is also loving her daycare so that makes going back to work so much easier. Our family is happy.
Everything seemed to be going great and then one morning I woke up and started getting ready for work - then out of nowhere a crazy thought came into my head, negative and terrible... the thought caught me off guard... it scared me.... "Oh no! Not these thoughts again!" I thought to myself as I was putting my makeup on. I froze and my stomach was sick. I felt like I continued through the rest of my day under a thick fog. I had no emotion, I was tired, my mind was racing, I felt hopeless.
I opened the Bible and asked God to show me something. 1 Peter 5:8-10 is where I turned and told me everything I needed to know.
8 Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11 To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.
Wow! After reading God's Word and BELIEVING the Truth ... the fog lifted. I mean, immediately lifted. I could see clearly again. It seemed as if something finally clicked into place. This is REAL! You know how you know that God is real and the Bible is real? .... but then you have those moments in the spirit where your natural mind says.. "Whoa! THIS IS REAL! ... Like for REAL REAL." ? Yeah, I had one of those moments.
Tony and I visited a book store a week earlier and I'm pretty sure we spent over an hour in there. He browsed as I hit up the Christian Living section, grabbed a book by Joyce Meyers, found the chapter on depression and sat in the middle of the floor and read an extremely long chapter. Joyce Meyers has dealt with depression in her past so I was excited to read what she had to say. A summary of the chapter I read was like this - smile, praise, worship, move, believe, have faith, stay in God's Word, Trust God, continue in fellowship with other believers, don't believe the lies of the enemy. Seems too easy... but I took what I had learned from the chapter and tucked it away in my heart to reflect on.
I had reached out to a sweet friend of mine when I was in the "fog" and told her about how discouraged I was that the bad thoughts had come back and she explained something to me "The thing with strongholds is, this side of heaven we can find freedom from them, but they are never just gone forever. It is our tendency to think, okay God, we have dealt with that, phew! And then we drop our guard over time, and often find ourselves right back on ground we thought we had conquered long ago...Outside of His presence we wander astray right back into our circle of sin."
My friend was right! Because I was feeling so much freedom, I was still spending time with the Lord but had really dropped my guard in this whole anxiety/depression area.
I feel like God opened the flood gates after I read 1 Peter 5:8-11. I felt like I could understand, finally! This is what it means to pick up your cross DAILY and follow Him.
Months ago the enemy got a toehold in my life because I started to have doubt due to the fact that an athiest had debated me about what I believe and I didn't feel like I had enough answers. Shortly after, a foothold came about due to my doubt and disbelief... I was spiraling out of control and then once I visited that Minute Clinic (You can read the blog prior to this one if you don't know that story) such paralyzing fear entered my life that sent me falling downwards - and the devil set up his stronghold on me.
I want you to know how free I am and how free I have always been. God gave me this freedom from the beginning and NO ONE can take it away. Although I have to fight to defend it - it's mine, it belongs to me, and I refust to give it up.
If Satan can't have our spirit he will shoot for our souls (mind, will, and emotions). Once he gets a stronghold on those he can shut us down. He binds us and gets us to draw inward so that we are ineffective for the work of the Kingdom.
Every single morning as soon as I wake up - negative thoughts rush over me and I get extremely sick to my stomach. This is new for me because prior to March 1, 2011 I had never ever experienced anything like this. Do you know what I choose to do every morning? I silence the enemy. I have a choice. I can lie there and listen to what the enemy of my soul has to say to me or I can take each thought captive. (2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.) I choose to take each thought captive. I read God's Word out loud and I believe it... I then start my morning.
The Word says to resist the enemy and he will flee from you- this is very true. I stand firm and resist him and he goes away... the thoughts go away... and the sick feeling goes away.
I can't explain it, really... when you're in that tempting moment of choosing fear it seems like every second is 15 minutes long but then the fog clears. I never allow it to come over me... it's there waiting for me but I choose not to stick my head in it and carry it with me. I resist it. I give thanks to God and I remember His Word and say it out loud or just reflect on it. Knowing the Truth does set you free.
I told Tony the other day "Some morning I hope to wake up and the thoughts not be there and the sick feeling not be there- but if this is what it takes to keep me trusting the Lord and bringing glory to Him, then so be it."
(2 Corinthians 12:8-10 NIV Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.)
I don't know why God has allowed me to undergo anxiety/depression but I know that I trust Him and I KNOW that His ways are not my ways. I also know that He works out everything for my good and He has plans to give me a hope and a future. I have seen such sweet glimpses of heaven though, as I have walked through this. I have also seen the enemy's strategy in binding God's people through anxiety/depression ... I never knew how serious and common it is for people to have anxiety/depression. I never knew much about it at all until I started experiencing it myself.
Since I have posted my story I have had people message me or come to me and tell me their story. Some people... I am the first person they have told. Every person I have talked to feels alone. Isolation is definitely from the enemy. He did the same thing to me. Made me feel like I was crazy and if I told anyone I would wind up in a mental institution and lose my family... crazy, huh? Yeah... that's how much I was believing his lies due to the fear (sin) that had warped my whole outlook.
The people who have reached out to me are desperate to hear good news... to hear there is a way out... to be free!
Let me tell you this - You are FREE! There is a way out and I know you can hardly believe this right now if you are suffering from anxiety/depression and are reading this right now. You feel like I don't know your story or how serious your anxiety/depression is... you probably feel like I must have dealt with a different type of anxiety/depression because there is no possible way out of yours! ... You're wrong. I felt the same way. The authority that you have through Jesus Christ is WAYYYYY more powerful than any stronghold of anxiety/depression that the enemy has over you right now. It's not over. You have to CHOOSE to take your freedom back.
If you don't know Christ and want to know more about Him and His promises, please message me! I would love to tell you more about Him. Your freedom is waiting for you. It belongs to you. The fog that you are in is a lie... it's not real. I know it's hard to believe that... but belive it because it's the truth.
I am so grateful. I am so exited to see how God can be glorified through all of my suffering. I am stoked that I am sealed and belong to the Most High.
If you're battling these specific demons - hang in there! If you read this just to support me - thank you so much. Your love, support, and encouragement is shining like Christ all over my life. I honor you.
Standing Firm,
April Poynter
Saturday, June 18, 2011
I'm Ready To Tell...
Today I went shopping ... by myself... for a long time ... and I felt normal. I never thought I would take for granted something so simple as shopping for clothes or grocery shopping until March 1st 2011 when I started to experience the most overwhelming anxiety imaginable! From March 1st until May 25th day in and day out - every moment of the day- I experienced paralyzing anxiety. I thought I was dying. I thought I was crazy. No one understood. Life changed.
Numerous tests - antidepressants - some serious, serious time on my face at the feet of Jesus - moving - losing a dear friend of the family - amazing support - ... WOW!
It all started on March 1st right after losing my job at K-Laser. I was quite relieved about no longer working at K-Laser and thought my 'stay-at-home-mom' gig would just return to normal like it was after Sommet Group shut down... but there was a different plan at hand. I had dealt with a frustrating cough for about 3 weeks and decided after lunch with Tony on March 1st I would swing by the Minute Clinic and get the cough checked out. Minutes before entering the Minute Clinic I had a talk with Tony and the Lord struck us both with quite a revelation. These words came out of my mouth "We say God is in control and we say that we are willing to go where He leads... but we're really not. We try to control everything He does, we put Him in our own comfortable box.... I am now ready to let go and follow where He leads me!" Although I was excited for the revelation I started to experience immediate fear in the backdrop of my life... I just didn't know it... yet.
I met with the Nurse Prac at the Minute Clinic and could tell by the strange look on her face as she was checking my blood pressure that something was off. She said "let me do this again. Now sit back and really relax." I did as she asked. The Nurse Prac said that my blood pressure was REALLY high. Now to some this would be no big deal but to me it was very startling. I have NEVER been told that my blood pressure is high or that anything is wrong... ever... the Nurse Prac didn't give me any details - she just said my blood pressure was high and went on with her routine.
I left the Minute Clinic, got in my car, and headed to pick up Trinity. I stopped at a store next to Trinity's daycare to pick up a snack for her and as I was browsing the isle I felt really dizzy and started to black out. I dropped everything I had collected at the store and ran out into the parking lot. I thought I was dying. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, my heart was beating out of my chest, I was sweating all over.... yup! I was dying.
I called Tony to see if his mom could pick up Trinity from daycare and if he could meet me at home. I pulled myself together, got in the car and headed home ... a terrible ride home. I made it home, terrified, and laid in the bed. I started to black out again. Tony got home and literally held me for hours until I FINALLY felt some since of calm come over me. I fell asleep and slept through the night.
The next morning all was well in the Poynter home as Tony left for work but shortly after he left I felt so scared to be at home alone with Trinity. She was still paid up in daycare for the rest of the week so I got both of us dressed and we headed towards daycare. I will never forget it - I promised Trinity a chocolate chip muffie from Panera and as we stood at the register I felt those overwhelming, scary feelings AGAIN! I hurried and paid for our items in between dizzy spells and rushed out the door. I called Tony and asked him to take me to the ER - something was definitely wrong. ... very wrong!
Sitting in the waiting room I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. "I'm going to die right here and leave my daughter behind with no mother." I thought to myself as I watched the nurse place the RED piece of paper on my chart because I told her I had chest pain and trouble breathing. After my EKG and talking with the doctor I felt much better especially once the doctor explained to me how blood pressure works and that the nurse from the Minute Clinic should have given me more information... the doctor was not concerned with my blood pressure at all, in fact, by the time I left he said my blood pressure was perfect. My EKG was normal, my blood work was normal, my blood pressure was perfect, I was fine. Great news ... but I didn't feel fine... I definitely didn't feel normal.
To try to make these four months somewhat short in description I will fast forward. My life had changed dramatically! I could not be alone. I could not be in traffice without freaking out. I pulled away from social events and tried to hurry away when I was out with friends. I could not have a conversation without being irritated. My patience with Trinity was ZERO. I lost 10 lbs because I had absolutely no appetite. I prayed my heart out and experienced how it really feels to put God first in my life because it was LIFE or DEATH and He was the only unchanging thing in my life. I cried all the time. I didn't want to get out of bed. Anxiety had turned into depression.
We were in the process of moving from our comfortable Brentwood apartment to a not-so-comfortable apartment in Franklin and the transition was tougher than I thought it would be - moving is hard already but if you add anxiety/depression to packing, planning, moving... wow! Overload!
I remember staring my doctor in the face as he asked me "Are you depressed? ... Do you want me to put you on an antidepressant?" I didn't want to answer this question. I wanted him to tell me what I needed to do ... but he asked me... and I answered.
I took the antidepressant for 5 days. Ugh.. a miserable 5 days ... so sick that I literally thought I was pregnant. In the craziness of throwing up one morning I felt the Lord say to my heart "Don't do it!" ... So I stopped. No more... and then I get a text message from my older brother telling me that a dear friend of our family was on life support at Williamson Medical Center and was not going to make it. I stood there in awe and starred at the text. "God?!?! WHY?!?!?! Why is this happening?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I can't take anymore!!!!!"
I starred at Billy with tears in my eyes knowing that she was no longer there and that the machines were keeping her alive at this point. I was looking death in the face. Billy was at peace - my fear was overwhelming - I was tired.
After this I spent a lot of time at the feet of Jesus. Through the Word He covered me in Truth, I read books about faith, I watched documentaries about Jesus and learned more than I ever thought my brain could hold. Although my knowledge grew, my love for Christ grew, my prayer circle grew ... something was still wrong.
My in-laws went out of town for 5 days and we were housesitting for them. I remember we got to their house and I realized we had forgotten our pillows. I was already feeling overwhelmed about the fact that we would be away from home for five days (even though we live 2 minutes down the street) because when you're dealing with General Anxiety Disorder anything that is out of the ordinary can trigger a panic attack. I felt terrified but I decided I would drive home by myself and get our pillows. As I was driving I felt light headed and began to panic. I got to the apartment and went inside my bedroom and felt so much fear that I started to have a hard time breathing. I ran from my room to Trinity's room to get her pillows. "GET OUT OF HERE!" my brain screamed to me - then I stopped. I threw the pillows down, fell to the floor, and screamed "If I'm going to die then I'm going to die! To live is Christ to die is GAIN! I can't do this anymore!!! I can't run anymore!!!! I'm so tired!!!! GOD PLEASE!!!!! DO SOMETHING!!! I CAN'T DO THIS BY MYSELF, I AM NOT CAPABLE, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING LEFT IN ME AND YOU HAVE TO MAKE THIS STOP NOW!!!!!!!!!!!" I guess between panicing, screaming, and crying I blacked out but not completely unconsious. I could feel the presence of the Lord over me and the scripture from Genesis filled my heart "and the Spirit of the Lord was hovering..." I literally felt the Spirit of the Lord hovering over me. I don't know how long I was on the floor, it could have been seconds, but it felt like a very long time. I sat up and although I still felt on edge there was a sense of calm within me. I made it back to Tony's parent's house, showered, prayed, and went to sleep.
The next morning I felt horrible... depressed... I usually did in the mornings - anxiety and depression were at their worst in the morning for me. I got online and started to research and came across a website that was reviewing the Panic Away program .... so silly ... God would reveal my answer on the internet ... through Panic Away.
Panic Away described my situation to the fullest ... every detail of it and then gave the solution. Instead of RESISTING the sensations and feelings of anxiety - accept them, embrace them, and demand more! "WHAT?!?!?! There is NO WAY this could be the answer!" I said to myself. I did the excercises ... it worked. You see, I had been plagued by fear! I knew I was fearing something I just couldn't figure out what it was. I prayed and prayed for God to show me what I was fearing - we went down different avenues together where He uncovered hidden things and dealt with me on other issues but there was still something hanging around - fear - I just didn't know WHAT I was fearing. While watching the Panic Away videos I learned that I was fearing the anxiety itself. I was so plagued and paralyzed by the thought of having another anxiety attack that my whole life was at a stand still. As soon as I started to accept the anxiety, embrace it, and demand more of it EVERYTHING CHANGED. I had taken back control of my life.
I believe that when I fell to the ground while collecting pillows at my apartment I finally stopped resisting God. I finally came to the end of myself and realized I could not fix myself. The next day God revealed the answer. I giggle now because it was such a simple solution. No one - professional or friend - ever told me to allow the feelings and sensations of anxiety to do their thing... something so simple and no one knew.... but God did.
My anxiety went away on May 25th. I'm still working through other things - after being plagued by the fear for almost 4 months I still have 'weird' feelings at times, depressing thoughts, I get emotional easily, but I am returning to normal... except normal now is not what normal use to be. You see, God rewired my heart.
I never understood and maybe never will fully understand why God allowed me to go through such terrifying pain for 4 months but I'm grateful it wasn't 5 months, or a year, or 12 years... BUT as bad as I wanted to be out of that pit when I was in it... I wouldn't erase going through it - I met my Savior in the pit... He was there when I slid in, He held my hand in the darkest moments in the bottom of the cold pit, He wrapped His arms around me when I wouldn't move, and He ultimately pulled me out of the dark pit and back into the sunshine... on dry ground. He never left my side and I got to see what it's really like to cling to Jesus.
He has taught me to fully rest in Him and stop trying to help Him out... lol! Did you know that God doesn't need our help?!?! Who knew?!?! lol! He is the God of the universe! He just wants to live through me and that happens when I'm resting in Him. Wow... Everything I have ever known for the past 6 years of my Christian life... was wrong. I mean sure... the basics were right to some extent... but I was all wrong. HELLO!!! Christian 101 - GRACE! Ummm.... why have I never known about God's GRACE until this past month?!?!?! Wow! Totally turned my world upside down!
On Monday, June 20th, I start a new job. I believe this is THE job. Some sweet colleagues from one of my past jobs reached out to me and the next thing I knew I was receiving an offer letter.
God is amazing... even in our lonliest times He never leaves us. He did not promise the road would be easy - but He did promise He would NEVER leave us... that we wouldn't walk it alone....
He is faithful. His Word is truer than how we feel. I am so thrilled that He is in control and I'm not - I don't have a clue! haha! :o)
Blessings over you and yours!
His,
April Poynter
Numerous tests - antidepressants - some serious, serious time on my face at the feet of Jesus - moving - losing a dear friend of the family - amazing support - ... WOW!
It all started on March 1st right after losing my job at K-Laser. I was quite relieved about no longer working at K-Laser and thought my 'stay-at-home-mom' gig would just return to normal like it was after Sommet Group shut down... but there was a different plan at hand. I had dealt with a frustrating cough for about 3 weeks and decided after lunch with Tony on March 1st I would swing by the Minute Clinic and get the cough checked out. Minutes before entering the Minute Clinic I had a talk with Tony and the Lord struck us both with quite a revelation. These words came out of my mouth "We say God is in control and we say that we are willing to go where He leads... but we're really not. We try to control everything He does, we put Him in our own comfortable box.... I am now ready to let go and follow where He leads me!" Although I was excited for the revelation I started to experience immediate fear in the backdrop of my life... I just didn't know it... yet.
I met with the Nurse Prac at the Minute Clinic and could tell by the strange look on her face as she was checking my blood pressure that something was off. She said "let me do this again. Now sit back and really relax." I did as she asked. The Nurse Prac said that my blood pressure was REALLY high. Now to some this would be no big deal but to me it was very startling. I have NEVER been told that my blood pressure is high or that anything is wrong... ever... the Nurse Prac didn't give me any details - she just said my blood pressure was high and went on with her routine.
I left the Minute Clinic, got in my car, and headed to pick up Trinity. I stopped at a store next to Trinity's daycare to pick up a snack for her and as I was browsing the isle I felt really dizzy and started to black out. I dropped everything I had collected at the store and ran out into the parking lot. I thought I was dying. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, my heart was beating out of my chest, I was sweating all over.... yup! I was dying.
I called Tony to see if his mom could pick up Trinity from daycare and if he could meet me at home. I pulled myself together, got in the car and headed home ... a terrible ride home. I made it home, terrified, and laid in the bed. I started to black out again. Tony got home and literally held me for hours until I FINALLY felt some since of calm come over me. I fell asleep and slept through the night.
The next morning all was well in the Poynter home as Tony left for work but shortly after he left I felt so scared to be at home alone with Trinity. She was still paid up in daycare for the rest of the week so I got both of us dressed and we headed towards daycare. I will never forget it - I promised Trinity a chocolate chip muffie from Panera and as we stood at the register I felt those overwhelming, scary feelings AGAIN! I hurried and paid for our items in between dizzy spells and rushed out the door. I called Tony and asked him to take me to the ER - something was definitely wrong. ... very wrong!
Sitting in the waiting room I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. "I'm going to die right here and leave my daughter behind with no mother." I thought to myself as I watched the nurse place the RED piece of paper on my chart because I told her I had chest pain and trouble breathing. After my EKG and talking with the doctor I felt much better especially once the doctor explained to me how blood pressure works and that the nurse from the Minute Clinic should have given me more information... the doctor was not concerned with my blood pressure at all, in fact, by the time I left he said my blood pressure was perfect. My EKG was normal, my blood work was normal, my blood pressure was perfect, I was fine. Great news ... but I didn't feel fine... I definitely didn't feel normal.
To try to make these four months somewhat short in description I will fast forward. My life had changed dramatically! I could not be alone. I could not be in traffice without freaking out. I pulled away from social events and tried to hurry away when I was out with friends. I could not have a conversation without being irritated. My patience with Trinity was ZERO. I lost 10 lbs because I had absolutely no appetite. I prayed my heart out and experienced how it really feels to put God first in my life because it was LIFE or DEATH and He was the only unchanging thing in my life. I cried all the time. I didn't want to get out of bed. Anxiety had turned into depression.
We were in the process of moving from our comfortable Brentwood apartment to a not-so-comfortable apartment in Franklin and the transition was tougher than I thought it would be - moving is hard already but if you add anxiety/depression to packing, planning, moving... wow! Overload!
I remember staring my doctor in the face as he asked me "Are you depressed? ... Do you want me to put you on an antidepressant?" I didn't want to answer this question. I wanted him to tell me what I needed to do ... but he asked me... and I answered.
I took the antidepressant for 5 days. Ugh.. a miserable 5 days ... so sick that I literally thought I was pregnant. In the craziness of throwing up one morning I felt the Lord say to my heart "Don't do it!" ... So I stopped. No more... and then I get a text message from my older brother telling me that a dear friend of our family was on life support at Williamson Medical Center and was not going to make it. I stood there in awe and starred at the text. "God?!?! WHY?!?!?! Why is this happening?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I can't take anymore!!!!!"
I starred at Billy with tears in my eyes knowing that she was no longer there and that the machines were keeping her alive at this point. I was looking death in the face. Billy was at peace - my fear was overwhelming - I was tired.
After this I spent a lot of time at the feet of Jesus. Through the Word He covered me in Truth, I read books about faith, I watched documentaries about Jesus and learned more than I ever thought my brain could hold. Although my knowledge grew, my love for Christ grew, my prayer circle grew ... something was still wrong.
My in-laws went out of town for 5 days and we were housesitting for them. I remember we got to their house and I realized we had forgotten our pillows. I was already feeling overwhelmed about the fact that we would be away from home for five days (even though we live 2 minutes down the street) because when you're dealing with General Anxiety Disorder anything that is out of the ordinary can trigger a panic attack. I felt terrified but I decided I would drive home by myself and get our pillows. As I was driving I felt light headed and began to panic. I got to the apartment and went inside my bedroom and felt so much fear that I started to have a hard time breathing. I ran from my room to Trinity's room to get her pillows. "GET OUT OF HERE!" my brain screamed to me - then I stopped. I threw the pillows down, fell to the floor, and screamed "If I'm going to die then I'm going to die! To live is Christ to die is GAIN! I can't do this anymore!!! I can't run anymore!!!! I'm so tired!!!! GOD PLEASE!!!!! DO SOMETHING!!! I CAN'T DO THIS BY MYSELF, I AM NOT CAPABLE, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING LEFT IN ME AND YOU HAVE TO MAKE THIS STOP NOW!!!!!!!!!!!" I guess between panicing, screaming, and crying I blacked out but not completely unconsious. I could feel the presence of the Lord over me and the scripture from Genesis filled my heart "and the Spirit of the Lord was hovering..." I literally felt the Spirit of the Lord hovering over me. I don't know how long I was on the floor, it could have been seconds, but it felt like a very long time. I sat up and although I still felt on edge there was a sense of calm within me. I made it back to Tony's parent's house, showered, prayed, and went to sleep.
The next morning I felt horrible... depressed... I usually did in the mornings - anxiety and depression were at their worst in the morning for me. I got online and started to research and came across a website that was reviewing the Panic Away program .... so silly ... God would reveal my answer on the internet ... through Panic Away.
Panic Away described my situation to the fullest ... every detail of it and then gave the solution. Instead of RESISTING the sensations and feelings of anxiety - accept them, embrace them, and demand more! "WHAT?!?!?! There is NO WAY this could be the answer!" I said to myself. I did the excercises ... it worked. You see, I had been plagued by fear! I knew I was fearing something I just couldn't figure out what it was. I prayed and prayed for God to show me what I was fearing - we went down different avenues together where He uncovered hidden things and dealt with me on other issues but there was still something hanging around - fear - I just didn't know WHAT I was fearing. While watching the Panic Away videos I learned that I was fearing the anxiety itself. I was so plagued and paralyzed by the thought of having another anxiety attack that my whole life was at a stand still. As soon as I started to accept the anxiety, embrace it, and demand more of it EVERYTHING CHANGED. I had taken back control of my life.
I believe that when I fell to the ground while collecting pillows at my apartment I finally stopped resisting God. I finally came to the end of myself and realized I could not fix myself. The next day God revealed the answer. I giggle now because it was such a simple solution. No one - professional or friend - ever told me to allow the feelings and sensations of anxiety to do their thing... something so simple and no one knew.... but God did.
My anxiety went away on May 25th. I'm still working through other things - after being plagued by the fear for almost 4 months I still have 'weird' feelings at times, depressing thoughts, I get emotional easily, but I am returning to normal... except normal now is not what normal use to be. You see, God rewired my heart.
I never understood and maybe never will fully understand why God allowed me to go through such terrifying pain for 4 months but I'm grateful it wasn't 5 months, or a year, or 12 years... BUT as bad as I wanted to be out of that pit when I was in it... I wouldn't erase going through it - I met my Savior in the pit... He was there when I slid in, He held my hand in the darkest moments in the bottom of the cold pit, He wrapped His arms around me when I wouldn't move, and He ultimately pulled me out of the dark pit and back into the sunshine... on dry ground. He never left my side and I got to see what it's really like to cling to Jesus.
He has taught me to fully rest in Him and stop trying to help Him out... lol! Did you know that God doesn't need our help?!?! Who knew?!?! lol! He is the God of the universe! He just wants to live through me and that happens when I'm resting in Him. Wow... Everything I have ever known for the past 6 years of my Christian life... was wrong. I mean sure... the basics were right to some extent... but I was all wrong. HELLO!!! Christian 101 - GRACE! Ummm.... why have I never known about God's GRACE until this past month?!?!?! Wow! Totally turned my world upside down!
On Monday, June 20th, I start a new job. I believe this is THE job. Some sweet colleagues from one of my past jobs reached out to me and the next thing I knew I was receiving an offer letter.
God is amazing... even in our lonliest times He never leaves us. He did not promise the road would be easy - but He did promise He would NEVER leave us... that we wouldn't walk it alone....
He is faithful. His Word is truer than how we feel. I am so thrilled that He is in control and I'm not - I don't have a clue! haha! :o)
Blessings over you and yours!
His,
April Poynter
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Which Chapter Is This?
Just wanted to drop a quick post -
God is revealing SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much to me - mostly about me. Do you know how I know God is convicting me? Because it opens my eyes to the truth in such a gentle way.
There is so much I never knew about myself that I am all of a sudden discovering.
I am also challenged and relieved by the true meaning of grace. It just seems too good to be true... but it is true. That leaves me speechless.
I start a new job on June 20th at Inova Payroll in Nashville. One of my old bosses literally came out of the 'blue' and told me about a new position and before I knew it I was receiving an offer letter.
There is peace over this new chapter in our lives. Tony, me, and Trinity are stoked!
For some reason every time I pull this blog up to write I can think of SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many things to write about - so much that has happened over the past few months and although I can explain them in person I just can't seem to type the details here. Hmmm... interesting.
So anywho -
Blessings over you, friends!
Sinking in His grace,
April
God is revealing SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much to me - mostly about me. Do you know how I know God is convicting me? Because it opens my eyes to the truth in such a gentle way.
There is so much I never knew about myself that I am all of a sudden discovering.
I am also challenged and relieved by the true meaning of grace. It just seems too good to be true... but it is true. That leaves me speechless.
I start a new job on June 20th at Inova Payroll in Nashville. One of my old bosses literally came out of the 'blue' and told me about a new position and before I knew it I was receiving an offer letter.
There is peace over this new chapter in our lives. Tony, me, and Trinity are stoked!
For some reason every time I pull this blog up to write I can think of SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many things to write about - so much that has happened over the past few months and although I can explain them in person I just can't seem to type the details here. Hmmm... interesting.
So anywho -
Blessings over you, friends!
Sinking in His grace,
April
Monday, May 30, 2011
Happy Memorial Day!!!!
I always want to write and update about what's going on in our lives but then I feel like there is just too much... lol!
For the past 5 days we have been house sitting for my in-laws while they are away in Omaha for my nephew's graduation from high school. We stayed behind to watch their house and dog... spoiled dog. I feel like I have kept up with my child and a newborn for 5 days. :o)
It has been such a sweet blessing at the same time though. There home feels like 'home' to me.
Tony and I are stoked to one day have our own home again. For those of you who don't know us we bought a home shortly after we married and within about a year of living there we had a baby, Tony lost his job, I lost my job, our savings dwindled to a big fat ZERO within a few months and before we knew it we had our house on the market while we were moving in with my in-laws. Thank God we finally sold our house (shortsale), after a year of living with the in-laws (couped up in one bedroom with a new baby)we moved to an apartment in Spring Hill to get back on our feet. A year after the Spring Hill apartment I was working at a better job and so was Tony - so we moved to an apartment in Brentwood ... you can read some of my recent blogs about the floor issue in Brentwood and God's request to our hearts to move again - this time to an apartment in Franklin.
Our Franklin apartment is such a humbling blessing in disguise. We see the work of the Lord all around us and we are so stoked for our future! We are on the Dave Ramsey plan and are so thankful for a chance to start over. We are enjoying the moment but being taken out of our 'comfort zone' ... or the "bubble" as me and Tony call it - has really helped us to get a plan in action. I am pumped to one day write to you on here with all the details of our new house!!!! Until then I'll document the journey.
God bless you and keep you! AND... God bless our soldiers who defend our country. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Shine,
A
I always want to write and update about what's going on in our lives but then I feel like there is just too much... lol!
For the past 5 days we have been house sitting for my in-laws while they are away in Omaha for my nephew's graduation from high school. We stayed behind to watch their house and dog... spoiled dog. I feel like I have kept up with my child and a newborn for 5 days. :o)
It has been such a sweet blessing at the same time though. There home feels like 'home' to me.
Tony and I are stoked to one day have our own home again. For those of you who don't know us we bought a home shortly after we married and within about a year of living there we had a baby, Tony lost his job, I lost my job, our savings dwindled to a big fat ZERO within a few months and before we knew it we had our house on the market while we were moving in with my in-laws. Thank God we finally sold our house (shortsale), after a year of living with the in-laws (couped up in one bedroom with a new baby)we moved to an apartment in Spring Hill to get back on our feet. A year after the Spring Hill apartment I was working at a better job and so was Tony - so we moved to an apartment in Brentwood ... you can read some of my recent blogs about the floor issue in Brentwood and God's request to our hearts to move again - this time to an apartment in Franklin.
Our Franklin apartment is such a humbling blessing in disguise. We see the work of the Lord all around us and we are so stoked for our future! We are on the Dave Ramsey plan and are so thankful for a chance to start over. We are enjoying the moment but being taken out of our 'comfort zone' ... or the "bubble" as me and Tony call it - has really helped us to get a plan in action. I am pumped to one day write to you on here with all the details of our new house!!!! Until then I'll document the journey.
God bless you and keep you! AND... God bless our soldiers who defend our country. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Shine,
A
Monday, May 9, 2011
I'M NEVER SAYING "I'M NOT MOVING AGAIN" ... EVER AGAIN
I don't even know how to begin writing this so I'm going to let my thoughts roll off of my fingertips without thinking twice about making this sound good - how it turns out is how it turns out.
I'm exhausted.
The weekend before last we moved. You can read the previous blogs for that whole story. We had some amazing friends help us with our move. Within a week I almost had every box unpacked and all the miscellaneous items put away.
Within that ONE week a lot has happend including but not limited to - two sleepless nights and Tony's car being scratched by a bicycle handle bar with no rubber protector. *Sigh*
Our new apartment was a bottom level and one night we noticed that our upstairs neighbor sounded like she was running back and forth through her apartment from around 11:00 PM - 4:00 AM Non stop. Very odd. Tony and I did not sleep at all that night. We reported this disturbance to the office and the neighbor was notified of the disturbance. The next night ... the exact same thing.
Long story short - the property manager told us we could move upstairs in another building. This past weekend we moved to that other building.
Seriously... we moved then moved again.
Although I'm complaining I have to share the silver lining.
God called us to this move and we moved in obedience. In that one week after our first move we didn't feel peace. Not that I question God but I was confused.
When we entered the upstairs apartment immediately the peace came over us. I can't say what God's plan was in this double move - but I can say what the enemy means for bad God can turn to good and the final result was overwhelming peace that only God can provide.
I'll be writing another blog in a bit that explains some other things that were going on during the past two weeks that I don't feel fit in this particular blog.
So anyway - a double move - not something I would have planned for but God has provided peace, strength, and a way. He is good. Always.
Happy Monday!
A
I'm exhausted.
The weekend before last we moved. You can read the previous blogs for that whole story. We had some amazing friends help us with our move. Within a week I almost had every box unpacked and all the miscellaneous items put away.
Within that ONE week a lot has happend including but not limited to - two sleepless nights and Tony's car being scratched by a bicycle handle bar with no rubber protector. *Sigh*
Our new apartment was a bottom level and one night we noticed that our upstairs neighbor sounded like she was running back and forth through her apartment from around 11:00 PM - 4:00 AM Non stop. Very odd. Tony and I did not sleep at all that night. We reported this disturbance to the office and the neighbor was notified of the disturbance. The next night ... the exact same thing.
Long story short - the property manager told us we could move upstairs in another building. This past weekend we moved to that other building.
Seriously... we moved then moved again.
Although I'm complaining I have to share the silver lining.
God called us to this move and we moved in obedience. In that one week after our first move we didn't feel peace. Not that I question God but I was confused.
When we entered the upstairs apartment immediately the peace came over us. I can't say what God's plan was in this double move - but I can say what the enemy means for bad God can turn to good and the final result was overwhelming peace that only God can provide.
I'll be writing another blog in a bit that explains some other things that were going on during the past two weeks that I don't feel fit in this particular blog.
So anyway - a double move - not something I would have planned for but God has provided peace, strength, and a way. He is good. Always.
Happy Monday!
A
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